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Title:Four times Kirk got turned into a kid (and one time he didn't)
aka In which McCoy is probably the most hassled doctor on this side of the galaxy
Characters: everyone
Rating:pg-13 for McCoy's indiscretion of obscene language in front of children
Warnings: As evidenced by my inability to come up with an original title, I am both long winded and indecisive.
Wordcount: 3,191
Summary: Kirk had always been difficult and no one knew this more than Dr. Leonard McCoy.
-----
i.
There was a system on the Enterprise.
Captain Kirk gets himself in deep shit because he doesn't understand the term 'appropriate behavior', and during the time he is in deep shit, he gets passed around among the various members in the ship’s hierarchy because no one wants to deal with him or they were too busy cleaning up after him or some combination of both. Eventually, Kirk would wind up in McCoy’s care, because he always weasels his way into McCoy’s care despite the dozens of doctors on duty at the time. Apparently, ‘chief medical officer’ means ‘Kirk receptacle’ on this ship and was getting kind of ridiculous. It didn’t matter which dark and dingy corner he tried to stuff himself into; someone, somewhere at some point would find him, dump an unconscious, bleeding, or otherwise compromised captain into his vicinity and walk away with barely a salutation or explanation.
In his latest debacle, Kirk managed to consume a large quantity of strangely colored liquid from questionable origins, which turned out to be an age-reversal serum. This age-reversal serum happened to be quite precious to their hosts who were subsequently very cross over their sudden loss of precious strangely colored liquid. All the senior officers were beside themselves trying to appease the angry natives.
McCoy would not learn of these events until later because he was actually unconscious when it happened.
He had been sleeping off a particularly rough shift in his sickbay and was oblivious to the chaos on the bridge. When he got up to start his next shift, still a bit stuck in dreamland, he fumbled around as normal, not realizing the approaching storm. He was still sleep deprived enough that the small hiss of his cabin door opening didn’t clue him in to anything.
He stood brushing his teeth like he always did for his morning routine when Spock had appeared beside him in a flash, thrust a baby into his arms with only a curt “You have prior experience with infants,” for an explanation before turning around and striding out the door, leaving a still half-asleep McCoy standing in his bathroom with a baby in one arm and his toothbrush, which was still in his mouth by the way, in the other.
“What the hell just happened?” McCoy asked thin air.
Baby Kirk blew a raspberry in response.
ii.
It would start when various members of the engineering crew asked James T. Kirk, Captain of the USS Enterprise, how 'Little Jimmy' was doing.
Kirk would recall the event to which they referenced with a bit more clarity than he would've liked, but that is the way with these things. He would roll his eyes at the crew, make a few jokes about it, and then spend a better part of his day getting shitfaced, bemoaning his own severe lack of judgment loudly and at great length in McCoy's general direction.
McCoy, when Kirk started on his drunken man-pain rampage, would often join his captain in the road to inebriation because his memories of that event, though not as embarrassing, were not very pleasant either. Having been a major player during said events, the doctor recalls a dreadful day chasing down a five-year old Kirk around the ship. He had wasted eight sedation hypos, two of which he somehow injected into himself, and three aging serums, one of which caused the unintended recipient to go into anaphylactic shock. McCoy recalls having had a terrible time choosing between looking for a way to de-age the toddler Kirk and strangling the child in a fit of exasperation. Joanna never gave him this much crap when she was five.
Spock would spend the day going about business as normal, outwardly stoic and calm as always. He’d be rather flippant about the event, as he is with most other things. Although he had been the one to finally take the child Kirk down (with an impeccably timed neck pinch, thank you very much), he was a Vulcan so any emotion he had about the event, he experienced discreetly and internally. Many years later, when he found peace between his opposing heritages, he would joke (or as much as a half-Vulcan could joke) with Scotty over a pint.
Scotty would provide Kirk with booze. He wasn’t directly involved during the events in question; he had been just an observer when Kirk had strut his stuff across the ship. Scotty even took a couple of pictures because somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew this was going to be legendary. He’s usually the one who starts the chain reaction of the road down memory lane and subsequently feel badly about doing so. He apologized to Kirk in the best way he knew how: with scotch. Kirk never complained so he figured it was the right thing to do.
Sulu would regret his dedication to fencing only two times in his entire life. This was one of them. He had been off duty the entire time and spent a few days locked in the gym and completely missed Kirk’s display. He didn’t even find out about it until Scotty developed the pictures the following week and accidently showed it to everyone on the bridge in a drunken fit.
Uhura would thank whatever higher power existed in the world that she was not, in any direct way, involved with this fiasco. She had been on shore leave that day, and she was spared from a direct dose of the events. Of course this didn’t mean that she passed up the chance to see the photos and watched some of the videos, because despite its stupidity she had to admit it was still hilarious.
Chekov would roll his eyes whenever someone brought the subject up. He didn’t quite hate the day like Kirk did, but he didn’t quite enjoy it the way Scotty did either. After all, he was the one who had to spend an entire afternoon erasing all the video evidence. Everyone had agreed that although it would be a shame to get rid of such priceless footage, Starfleet did not need this kind of ammo against their captain.
At the time, Kirk thought it was the greatest thing he had ever done. And for a five year old mind, it probably was. It was a time of great chaos and confusion aboard the USS enterprise. It was a time so exceptional that witnesses of the event would never forget, not even to Alzheimer's or dementia. It was the time in his life Kirk would never live down, even compared to the alien baby fiasco with the morning sickness and the stretch mark cream (Because at least then he could always blame the aliens)
It was the time James T. Kirk, Captain of the USS Enterprise, spent the better part of his day running around his ship as fast as he could in full nude, waving his penis at anything that moved.
iii.
Uhura looked like she was holding back a seizure trying not to laugh as McCoy stood awkwardly with a very upset, very small Kirk as the captain clung to his neck sobbing pitifully into his shoulder. There was a small, uncomfortable wet spot slowly spreading on his collar pooling from the tears. The child had been inconsolable and latched on to the doctor like glue, wailing whenever anyone else got too close.
McCoy shifted the sobbing child in his arms while trying to peel the wet spot from his collarbone because dammit it was sticking to his skin and it's been itching like hell.
"Hey, Jim. It’s alright," McCoy began soothingly, because Joanna would cry and cling like this and the soft talk usually calmed her down. The boy would not be swayed, so he turned to the Vulcan, “Spock, what is going on here?”
No one knew exactly what happened, but since Spock had been with the captain at the time, McCoy thought it had been perfectly reasonable to ask the Vulcan what the hell happened.
“I am not exactly certain what had transpired,” Spock replied. “We had been testing the dilithium crystal deposits down in the caves. We split up to check different areas and when I went back to the rendezvous point, I found the captain in this state.”
Kirk cried harder.
“What do you mean ‘you are not exactly certain’?” McCoy snapped, “How the hell are we suppose to change him back?”
“I think your term would be: ‘The hell should I know?’” Spock -that bastard- said with a straight face and not a hint of sarcasm, “Until such a time that the captain becomes fit for his post again, I will be taking over his duties.” Spock turned on his communicator, “Mr. Scott, please beam me up.”
“Wait a minute, you pointy-eared bastard, don’t just leave me here-” McCoy began, but the Vulcan had already disappeared. “Shit.” he hissed at thin air, his mind already plotting to dig out the biggest and most painful needle in his rather impressive arsenal for the Vulcan's next physical because McCoy is not a man who takes this crap lying down.
“Shit.” A small voice mimicked.
“Don’t say that.” McCoy scolded. Kirk had stopped crying but he still had snot dribbling down his nose and tear streaks running down his cheeks.
“Don’t say that.” Kirk mimicked McCoy’s scowl, and then giggled.
McCoy paused. He gave the child a warning look, “Are you mimicking me?”
“Are you mimicking me?” Kirk gave the doctor a wide grin, then screwed up his face in pain and made to start crying again.
“Jim?”
The boy didn’t respond, and his face screwed up even more.
“Jim? Are you alright?” McCoy asked more urgently, now worried.
Kirk inhaled a lungful of air and sneezed into McCoy’s face, then giggled again.
iv.
When the turbolift doors opened, a litany of screeching and cursing spilled out from the entryway signaling the arrival of Leonard McCoy.
Everyone on the bridge turned to stare as the chief medical officer staggered in with two heavy burdens.
"Stay put, you little bastards!"
"Doctor! Don't swear in front of the kids!" Uhura injected incredulously. Okay, these weren't really children, but it was the principle of the matter.
Then she gasped when she got a good look at the doctor and his two pint sized passengers.
McCoy held one child in each arm as they flailed wildly in an attempt to hit each other. The doctor sported a black eye that was beginning to swell, wildly tousled hair, and a dark bruise on his jaw that framed his scowling expression. His uniform shirt had been ripped both at the collar and the side seams and hung in shreds near the bottom as both children tried to use any leverage to get within punching range. He was also missing his left boot.
McCoy would never find that boot in his lifetime. It wouldn't be until many years later when the Enterprise would be converted into a museum, an unnamed child got separated from her tour group and found it lodged behind a hallway console nowhere near the path from sickbay to bridge. How it got there, no one really knew.
By default, the chief medical officer had been given the task of examining both the captain and first officer for any medical problems after the latter two got themselves turned into children (most likely because of Kirk). Even as a child, Spock had been a model patient, sitting still for the exam and obeying instruction quickly and easily. Kirk, being Kirk regardless of his size, refused to stay put on the exam table unless bribed with a large lollipop and even then he either didn't understand or didn't care when McCoy asked him to inhale. Then, when McCoy had been preoccupied with filing reports in the next room, Kirk proceeded to poke and prod at the other child until the normally stoic Vulcan retaliated with a loud slap across the face.
A couple of pushes and shoves later, it degenerated into an all out fist fight. Unfortunately, McCoy's head had been on the wrong end of a few wayward swings in his rush to separate the pair.
All in all, Leonard McCoy was royally pissed. He didn't sign up for this shit.
"Dammit, lieutenant." McCoy ground out, "I'm a doctor, not a nanny!" He tried to hitch Spock a little higher on his waist because the Vulcan child was damn heavy and his arm was going numb.
"There's nothing wrong with them, they have a clean bill of health-OW!" a well-timed flailing leg from Kirk's side connected with the back of his knee and he staggered sideways, smashing his shoulder into the back of the captain's chair, "You little-!"
No one moved to help. They were all too busy staring at the display and stuffing undignified guffaws back down their throats.
"You know what? Screw this!" McCoy all but chucked the two bundles of flailing limbs at Uhura's feet.
Spock had still been clutching a bit of the uniform seam so the abrupt action ripped out the last bit of thread holding the fabric on the doctor's frame. The tattered strips pooled around his ankles as McCoy looked down at himself and then looked up with a blank expression.
"I don't even care anymore," he turned in a huff, "They're your problem now." Without waiting for an answer, he stomped unevenly back to the turbo lift half naked, muttering to himself.
The bridge officers waited until the doors fully closed behind McCoy before bursting out into peels. Chekov was rolling on the floor, practically crying out his laughter.
Freed from the wall of a doctor holding them apart, the two boys resumed their struggles to maim each other. Kirk had somehow kept the lollipop McCoy had given him and was now using it as a bludgeoning weapon. For a human going against a half-Vulcan, Kirk was actually doing fairly well.
Uhura rolled her eyes, reached out and yanked the two squabblers apart by the scruff of their shirts. "Play nice, boys." She warned.
The children, once again out of fist or foot range, settled for glaring at each other.
Uhura gave the two boys a quick sweep to check for any major injuries, but besides a bruise here and there and some wrinkled clothing, both boys were fine. Then she noticed a few tufts peaking out from the side of Kirk's closed fist.
Her eyes widened in surprise, "Is that hair in your hand?"
Kirk just looked up at her innocently as he took another lick of his lollipop.
v.
Kirk sat in his chair on a near empty bridge. Most of his officers were either off duty or helping McCoy in the lab. Kirk's only companion was a miniature Spock standing stiffly beside the captain's chair, not quite sure what to do with himself.
Both Kirk and Spock had intended on helping the medical department search for a way to reverse the de-aging process that struck about half of the landing party on their latest mission. However, when the third beaker blew up in their faces and took out about three days worth of work, McCoy got so cross he kicked, literally with boot to ass and everything, kicked both of them out of the lab, banning them from his sight until they found a cure.
It's how Kirk wound up flying the ship alone with a small, half-Vulcan child.
He contemplated the child standing beside him. Physiologically, the Spock that stood rim-rod straight in front of him was no older than four earth years, but he already held a calm composure more mature than some adult humans (i.e. James Tiberious Kirk) would ever achieve in their lifetime. Part of him marveled at the sleek lines and calm composure usually exuded by a man ten times his age. Then another part of him remembers this child to be half human and silently screams at the boy to do something, fidget, run around destroying things, pull out his penis and play with it like all the other boys his age. Kirk had always been open to cultures outside his own, he wouldn't be in Starfleet otherwise, but one thing he never quite understood was the Vulcan's systematic repression of their emotions.
"Oh relax, Spock," Kirk teased, "Stop to smell the roses."
The small child turned to him with an eyebrow raised. It was such a caricature of his normal expression Kirk couldn't help but let out a small snort.
Spock looked a bit miffed for being laughed at, clearly he was not quite in control of his emotions like his adult counterpart, but the tall-tale signs of Vulcan logic was already taking hold.
"That is not possible, there are no roses in our vicinity to smell." He said with a small dip to his jaw line. He made to look stern, but with the round cheekbones and puffy lips, it looked more like a put-out pout.
Kirk smirked, reached over and pulled up the half-Vulcan child into his lap.
The stiffness in Spock's posture belied his surprise and indignity at being picked up. Vulcans do not get picked up, much less sit in people's laps.
"Look out there, Spock." he points to the bridge window. They were out of warp, so the screen showed nothing but darkness an twinkling stars, "This is our playground.
"We'll boldly go where no man has ever gone before." Kirk continues, puffing out his chest in pride.
"You'll be the greatest Starfleet First Officer I've ever had the pleasure to work with." he turns back to the Vulcan, "And though your father won't admit it until you're both old and gray, he's proud of you."
Spock, for his part, appeared unimpressed. "Considering that I am the only first officer you've had, it would be illogical to use superlatives because there are no comparisons to make." Spock pauses, "And how would you know my father's emotions on this matter?"
Pompous little ass. It seemed the pointed eared bastard had always been a competitive jerk.
Oh, you'd be surprised on how much I do know., Kirk grinned as he thought back to his first mind meld, "A little birdie told me."
"My father has not performed a mind meld with a bird."
"It was an expression," Kirk says, rolling his eyes. His face softens as he ruminates “I have it on good authority that this ship will be a legacy.“
"It’s my home, Spock." he leans back into his chair in contentment, "It's where I belong."
Spock seems to contemplate this. He's quiet for a while and looks around the bridge at the various consoles and control boards in the room.
"Do I belong here?" the young Vulcan asks suddenly.
Kirk starts, caught off guard. He doesn't really know how to answer that, "Do you want to belong here?" he finally replies.
Spock didn't answer. He turned back to the look the bridge screen and as he watched the endless depths of space fly past his eyes, he slowly relaxed in Kirk's lap and let out a soft sigh.
end.
How did I wind up barfing rainbows and sunshine at the end? I fail as a crack!fic writer :C
Oh yeah, please inform me of any bad coding, ommissions, glaring errors, etc. Much appreciated!
aka In which McCoy is probably the most hassled doctor on this side of the galaxy
Characters: everyone
Rating:pg-13 for McCoy's indiscretion of obscene language in front of children
Warnings: As evidenced by my inability to come up with an original title, I am both long winded and indecisive.
Wordcount: 3,191
Summary: Kirk had always been difficult and no one knew this more than Dr. Leonard McCoy.
-----
i.
There was a system on the Enterprise.
Captain Kirk gets himself in deep shit because he doesn't understand the term 'appropriate behavior', and during the time he is in deep shit, he gets passed around among the various members in the ship’s hierarchy because no one wants to deal with him or they were too busy cleaning up after him or some combination of both. Eventually, Kirk would wind up in McCoy’s care, because he always weasels his way into McCoy’s care despite the dozens of doctors on duty at the time. Apparently, ‘chief medical officer’ means ‘Kirk receptacle’ on this ship and was getting kind of ridiculous. It didn’t matter which dark and dingy corner he tried to stuff himself into; someone, somewhere at some point would find him, dump an unconscious, bleeding, or otherwise compromised captain into his vicinity and walk away with barely a salutation or explanation.
In his latest debacle, Kirk managed to consume a large quantity of strangely colored liquid from questionable origins, which turned out to be an age-reversal serum. This age-reversal serum happened to be quite precious to their hosts who were subsequently very cross over their sudden loss of precious strangely colored liquid. All the senior officers were beside themselves trying to appease the angry natives.
McCoy would not learn of these events until later because he was actually unconscious when it happened.
He had been sleeping off a particularly rough shift in his sickbay and was oblivious to the chaos on the bridge. When he got up to start his next shift, still a bit stuck in dreamland, he fumbled around as normal, not realizing the approaching storm. He was still sleep deprived enough that the small hiss of his cabin door opening didn’t clue him in to anything.
He stood brushing his teeth like he always did for his morning routine when Spock had appeared beside him in a flash, thrust a baby into his arms with only a curt “You have prior experience with infants,” for an explanation before turning around and striding out the door, leaving a still half-asleep McCoy standing in his bathroom with a baby in one arm and his toothbrush, which was still in his mouth by the way, in the other.
“What the hell just happened?” McCoy asked thin air.
Baby Kirk blew a raspberry in response.
ii.
It would start when various members of the engineering crew asked James T. Kirk, Captain of the USS Enterprise, how 'Little Jimmy' was doing.
Kirk would recall the event to which they referenced with a bit more clarity than he would've liked, but that is the way with these things. He would roll his eyes at the crew, make a few jokes about it, and then spend a better part of his day getting shitfaced, bemoaning his own severe lack of judgment loudly and at great length in McCoy's general direction.
McCoy, when Kirk started on his drunken man-pain rampage, would often join his captain in the road to inebriation because his memories of that event, though not as embarrassing, were not very pleasant either. Having been a major player during said events, the doctor recalls a dreadful day chasing down a five-year old Kirk around the ship. He had wasted eight sedation hypos, two of which he somehow injected into himself, and three aging serums, one of which caused the unintended recipient to go into anaphylactic shock. McCoy recalls having had a terrible time choosing between looking for a way to de-age the toddler Kirk and strangling the child in a fit of exasperation. Joanna never gave him this much crap when she was five.
Spock would spend the day going about business as normal, outwardly stoic and calm as always. He’d be rather flippant about the event, as he is with most other things. Although he had been the one to finally take the child Kirk down (with an impeccably timed neck pinch, thank you very much), he was a Vulcan so any emotion he had about the event, he experienced discreetly and internally. Many years later, when he found peace between his opposing heritages, he would joke (or as much as a half-Vulcan could joke) with Scotty over a pint.
Scotty would provide Kirk with booze. He wasn’t directly involved during the events in question; he had been just an observer when Kirk had strut his stuff across the ship. Scotty even took a couple of pictures because somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew this was going to be legendary. He’s usually the one who starts the chain reaction of the road down memory lane and subsequently feel badly about doing so. He apologized to Kirk in the best way he knew how: with scotch. Kirk never complained so he figured it was the right thing to do.
Sulu would regret his dedication to fencing only two times in his entire life. This was one of them. He had been off duty the entire time and spent a few days locked in the gym and completely missed Kirk’s display. He didn’t even find out about it until Scotty developed the pictures the following week and accidently showed it to everyone on the bridge in a drunken fit.
Uhura would thank whatever higher power existed in the world that she was not, in any direct way, involved with this fiasco. She had been on shore leave that day, and she was spared from a direct dose of the events. Of course this didn’t mean that she passed up the chance to see the photos and watched some of the videos, because despite its stupidity she had to admit it was still hilarious.
Chekov would roll his eyes whenever someone brought the subject up. He didn’t quite hate the day like Kirk did, but he didn’t quite enjoy it the way Scotty did either. After all, he was the one who had to spend an entire afternoon erasing all the video evidence. Everyone had agreed that although it would be a shame to get rid of such priceless footage, Starfleet did not need this kind of ammo against their captain.
At the time, Kirk thought it was the greatest thing he had ever done. And for a five year old mind, it probably was. It was a time of great chaos and confusion aboard the USS enterprise. It was a time so exceptional that witnesses of the event would never forget, not even to Alzheimer's or dementia. It was the time in his life Kirk would never live down, even compared to the alien baby fiasco with the morning sickness and the stretch mark cream (Because at least then he could always blame the aliens)
It was the time James T. Kirk, Captain of the USS Enterprise, spent the better part of his day running around his ship as fast as he could in full nude, waving his penis at anything that moved.
iii.
Uhura looked like she was holding back a seizure trying not to laugh as McCoy stood awkwardly with a very upset, very small Kirk as the captain clung to his neck sobbing pitifully into his shoulder. There was a small, uncomfortable wet spot slowly spreading on his collar pooling from the tears. The child had been inconsolable and latched on to the doctor like glue, wailing whenever anyone else got too close.
McCoy shifted the sobbing child in his arms while trying to peel the wet spot from his collarbone because dammit it was sticking to his skin and it's been itching like hell.
"Hey, Jim. It’s alright," McCoy began soothingly, because Joanna would cry and cling like this and the soft talk usually calmed her down. The boy would not be swayed, so he turned to the Vulcan, “Spock, what is going on here?”
No one knew exactly what happened, but since Spock had been with the captain at the time, McCoy thought it had been perfectly reasonable to ask the Vulcan what the hell happened.
“I am not exactly certain what had transpired,” Spock replied. “We had been testing the dilithium crystal deposits down in the caves. We split up to check different areas and when I went back to the rendezvous point, I found the captain in this state.”
Kirk cried harder.
“What do you mean ‘you are not exactly certain’?” McCoy snapped, “How the hell are we suppose to change him back?”
“I think your term would be: ‘The hell should I know?’” Spock -that bastard- said with a straight face and not a hint of sarcasm, “Until such a time that the captain becomes fit for his post again, I will be taking over his duties.” Spock turned on his communicator, “Mr. Scott, please beam me up.”
“Wait a minute, you pointy-eared bastard, don’t just leave me here-” McCoy began, but the Vulcan had already disappeared. “Shit.” he hissed at thin air, his mind already plotting to dig out the biggest and most painful needle in his rather impressive arsenal for the Vulcan's next physical because McCoy is not a man who takes this crap lying down.
“Shit.” A small voice mimicked.
“Don’t say that.” McCoy scolded. Kirk had stopped crying but he still had snot dribbling down his nose and tear streaks running down his cheeks.
“Don’t say that.” Kirk mimicked McCoy’s scowl, and then giggled.
McCoy paused. He gave the child a warning look, “Are you mimicking me?”
“Are you mimicking me?” Kirk gave the doctor a wide grin, then screwed up his face in pain and made to start crying again.
“Jim?”
The boy didn’t respond, and his face screwed up even more.
“Jim? Are you alright?” McCoy asked more urgently, now worried.
Kirk inhaled a lungful of air and sneezed into McCoy’s face, then giggled again.
iv.
When the turbolift doors opened, a litany of screeching and cursing spilled out from the entryway signaling the arrival of Leonard McCoy.
Everyone on the bridge turned to stare as the chief medical officer staggered in with two heavy burdens.
"Stay put, you little bastards!"
"Doctor! Don't swear in front of the kids!" Uhura injected incredulously. Okay, these weren't really children, but it was the principle of the matter.
Then she gasped when she got a good look at the doctor and his two pint sized passengers.
McCoy held one child in each arm as they flailed wildly in an attempt to hit each other. The doctor sported a black eye that was beginning to swell, wildly tousled hair, and a dark bruise on his jaw that framed his scowling expression. His uniform shirt had been ripped both at the collar and the side seams and hung in shreds near the bottom as both children tried to use any leverage to get within punching range. He was also missing his left boot.
McCoy would never find that boot in his lifetime. It wouldn't be until many years later when the Enterprise would be converted into a museum, an unnamed child got separated from her tour group and found it lodged behind a hallway console nowhere near the path from sickbay to bridge. How it got there, no one really knew.
By default, the chief medical officer had been given the task of examining both the captain and first officer for any medical problems after the latter two got themselves turned into children (most likely because of Kirk). Even as a child, Spock had been a model patient, sitting still for the exam and obeying instruction quickly and easily. Kirk, being Kirk regardless of his size, refused to stay put on the exam table unless bribed with a large lollipop and even then he either didn't understand or didn't care when McCoy asked him to inhale. Then, when McCoy had been preoccupied with filing reports in the next room, Kirk proceeded to poke and prod at the other child until the normally stoic Vulcan retaliated with a loud slap across the face.
A couple of pushes and shoves later, it degenerated into an all out fist fight. Unfortunately, McCoy's head had been on the wrong end of a few wayward swings in his rush to separate the pair.
All in all, Leonard McCoy was royally pissed. He didn't sign up for this shit.
"Dammit, lieutenant." McCoy ground out, "I'm a doctor, not a nanny!" He tried to hitch Spock a little higher on his waist because the Vulcan child was damn heavy and his arm was going numb.
"There's nothing wrong with them, they have a clean bill of health-OW!" a well-timed flailing leg from Kirk's side connected with the back of his knee and he staggered sideways, smashing his shoulder into the back of the captain's chair, "You little-!"
No one moved to help. They were all too busy staring at the display and stuffing undignified guffaws back down their throats.
"You know what? Screw this!" McCoy all but chucked the two bundles of flailing limbs at Uhura's feet.
Spock had still been clutching a bit of the uniform seam so the abrupt action ripped out the last bit of thread holding the fabric on the doctor's frame. The tattered strips pooled around his ankles as McCoy looked down at himself and then looked up with a blank expression.
"I don't even care anymore," he turned in a huff, "They're your problem now." Without waiting for an answer, he stomped unevenly back to the turbo lift half naked, muttering to himself.
The bridge officers waited until the doors fully closed behind McCoy before bursting out into peels. Chekov was rolling on the floor, practically crying out his laughter.
Freed from the wall of a doctor holding them apart, the two boys resumed their struggles to maim each other. Kirk had somehow kept the lollipop McCoy had given him and was now using it as a bludgeoning weapon. For a human going against a half-Vulcan, Kirk was actually doing fairly well.
Uhura rolled her eyes, reached out and yanked the two squabblers apart by the scruff of their shirts. "Play nice, boys." She warned.
The children, once again out of fist or foot range, settled for glaring at each other.
Uhura gave the two boys a quick sweep to check for any major injuries, but besides a bruise here and there and some wrinkled clothing, both boys were fine. Then she noticed a few tufts peaking out from the side of Kirk's closed fist.
Her eyes widened in surprise, "Is that hair in your hand?"
Kirk just looked up at her innocently as he took another lick of his lollipop.
v.
Kirk sat in his chair on a near empty bridge. Most of his officers were either off duty or helping McCoy in the lab. Kirk's only companion was a miniature Spock standing stiffly beside the captain's chair, not quite sure what to do with himself.
Both Kirk and Spock had intended on helping the medical department search for a way to reverse the de-aging process that struck about half of the landing party on their latest mission. However, when the third beaker blew up in their faces and took out about three days worth of work, McCoy got so cross he kicked, literally with boot to ass and everything, kicked both of them out of the lab, banning them from his sight until they found a cure.
It's how Kirk wound up flying the ship alone with a small, half-Vulcan child.
He contemplated the child standing beside him. Physiologically, the Spock that stood rim-rod straight in front of him was no older than four earth years, but he already held a calm composure more mature than some adult humans (i.e. James Tiberious Kirk) would ever achieve in their lifetime. Part of him marveled at the sleek lines and calm composure usually exuded by a man ten times his age. Then another part of him remembers this child to be half human and silently screams at the boy to do something, fidget, run around destroying things, pull out his penis and play with it like all the other boys his age. Kirk had always been open to cultures outside his own, he wouldn't be in Starfleet otherwise, but one thing he never quite understood was the Vulcan's systematic repression of their emotions.
"Oh relax, Spock," Kirk teased, "Stop to smell the roses."
The small child turned to him with an eyebrow raised. It was such a caricature of his normal expression Kirk couldn't help but let out a small snort.
Spock looked a bit miffed for being laughed at, clearly he was not quite in control of his emotions like his adult counterpart, but the tall-tale signs of Vulcan logic was already taking hold.
"That is not possible, there are no roses in our vicinity to smell." He said with a small dip to his jaw line. He made to look stern, but with the round cheekbones and puffy lips, it looked more like a put-out pout.
Kirk smirked, reached over and pulled up the half-Vulcan child into his lap.
The stiffness in Spock's posture belied his surprise and indignity at being picked up. Vulcans do not get picked up, much less sit in people's laps.
"Look out there, Spock." he points to the bridge window. They were out of warp, so the screen showed nothing but darkness an twinkling stars, "This is our playground.
"We'll boldly go where no man has ever gone before." Kirk continues, puffing out his chest in pride.
"You'll be the greatest Starfleet First Officer I've ever had the pleasure to work with." he turns back to the Vulcan, "And though your father won't admit it until you're both old and gray, he's proud of you."
Spock, for his part, appeared unimpressed. "Considering that I am the only first officer you've had, it would be illogical to use superlatives because there are no comparisons to make." Spock pauses, "And how would you know my father's emotions on this matter?"
Pompous little ass. It seemed the pointed eared bastard had always been a competitive jerk.
Oh, you'd be surprised on how much I do know., Kirk grinned as he thought back to his first mind meld, "A little birdie told me."
"My father has not performed a mind meld with a bird."
"It was an expression," Kirk says, rolling his eyes. His face softens as he ruminates “I have it on good authority that this ship will be a legacy.“
"It’s my home, Spock." he leans back into his chair in contentment, "It's where I belong."
Spock seems to contemplate this. He's quiet for a while and looks around the bridge at the various consoles and control boards in the room.
"Do I belong here?" the young Vulcan asks suddenly.
Kirk starts, caught off guard. He doesn't really know how to answer that, "Do you want to belong here?" he finally replies.
Spock didn't answer. He turned back to the look the bridge screen and as he watched the endless depths of space fly past his eyes, he slowly relaxed in Kirk's lap and let out a soft sigh.
end.
How did I wind up barfing rainbows and sunshine at the end? I fail as a crack!fic writer :C
Oh yeah, please inform me of any bad coding, ommissions, glaring errors, etc. Much appreciated!
Tags:
- crack,
- fic,
- fivethings,
- st:xi